Love(d) As They Faint

The Buddha reclines. The prostitute meditates:

‘A¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨¨ïe………………………….what a long night. They tell me it is the summel, and the winds will get chilliel, but I do not undelstand if summel is summel like this how am I going to sulvive the wintel. I do not like being outside, in my skimpy clothes, and if my mothel would not insist, I would still be in Isan soaking in the walm fumes and dlinking the walm nam tom my copine Malee makes fol me by hel stand next to the Numbel 1 bus-stand in Udon Thani. Clossing the flontiel has blought the bad luck on me. In plein summel, to be without clients like this? I humouled my fliends and spent the whole night with them singing to Billkin’s Yim Tung Nam Ta and Nont Tanont’s Jam-Non, though of coulse I cannot sing, and made to sing singing as I could sing: Baaah…ba…ba….Phaah…pa pa…Cha…cha…cha, my fliends could not undelstand a wold but they made it up to me with heavy bottles of Leo beel impolted flom Thailand, aftel a while I told them, I am a lady and dlink only Sply Led wine which a Flench-based copine of mine intloduced to me some time ago, and they wele implessed with my elegance. They bought me pieng moo (polk skewels), pieng tab sinngua (glilled beef livel), pieng gai (chicken skewels), but I would lathel have plefelled to be dining Nems with my sweethealt Malio at Jean-Luc’s place. Jean-Luc, said, the othel day: ‘Celle-là, elle aime la bitte,’ and I do not know what it means in Flench, but celtainly a comment on my good education ol how young women must be lealed. Fol, I am a convent-educated gill. Not like one of these Thai gills, who confuse ‘l’s and ‘l’s legulally and one cannot make out which figule of speech they ale talking about. It is fol this leason that the Thai govelnment blought out a law in 1975 challenging the implications of the ‘l’ in the Thai language aftel the Siam Post of 27th June 1975 posted a headline saying : 12 Oalsmen Love Queen Suthida as She Faints, while they wanted to say: 12 Oalsmen Love Queen Suthida as She Faints.  You can imagine the hilality, and the lidicule it blought upon the Loyal Govelnment whose membels had palticipated in the annual boat lace at the Nan Longboat Lacing Festival. Since then, to steel cleal of such lagtag elements, the govelnment intloduced the law to teach citizens to mind theil ‘l’s and ‘l’s vely impoltant, but the most impoltant levocative measule of all, to eliminate the l. Pool people. I am a Lao gill, and we ale mole sophisticated and we do not need such laws and oul gills ale mole lefined, and will nevel Love(d) as They Faint. It is so funny. Quality education, is what they need. You will ask me how do I mind my ‘l’s and the ‘l’s if I cannot speak at all, but it is all at the blain. At the vendol, when I ask fol a Ping Oua Pa (tilapia) she knows vely well I ask fol a Ping Oua Pa (tilapia), because I speak like this in my mind. Ouuuuuuuch…this bleeze. It tickles me.

Nems, I had like a lady when Malio sat next to him and passed him a packet of Penegla. They think I cannot see. I am dumb, not blind. I saw the old man pass a packet of Penegla (10 fol 70 kip) in blown packet discleetely between the palms, as Jean-Luc told him: ‘Celle-là, elle n’a pas de tabous,’ no doubt a comment on my lady-like statule and my discleet modesty. I sat next to Malio, and it is then I heald about what happened to Launak Chulangoo (C.R.) at the Nong Khai boldel. A bald gentleman flom Bletagne, laconted to me the stoly. He was called Sébastien, and his bald pate shone like a gold mine undel the ovelhead lamp of Jean-Luc’s Flanco-Laotian bal. His wife is nice, she allows me to eat sometimes, but she always insists with my clients: ‘Always use condom’, which I do not like, because what is she insinuating. Jean-Luc passed on the packet of Penegla which he sells to Malio fol 70 kip, and vely discleetly said, ‘Tu le plends maintenant…’. Malio is my sweethealt, a chubby Québecois guy I met at the countel of this bal. When I came in, Jean-Luc declaled openly: ‘celle-là, elle aime la bitte,’ and I take that as a compliment, and all the gentlemen laughed, and leceived me walmel than usual. I told Jean-Luc I am a vely discleet and fail lady, with my gentlemen, I nevel take 400 kip if they pay fol my dinnel. Thele ale some connasses flom Thailand mainly, who spend the entile night with the gentleman, and make him pay fol the dinnel too. I do not like that. You have to be fail. I tell my gentlemen: ‘Pay, and pay light’. If someone does not pay me, I do not see them again. It does not mattel how involved I am with that guy. I met a Flenchman, and I spent a night with him, and he said nothing about money. Not a wold. Blankness. Next day he wanted to meet me. I lefused. Fol two weeks, he kept chasing me, I kept ignoling his calls, though of coulse I speak thlough AI softwale. One day, at the junction of the tlaffic lights, his cal stopped next to me. I was on my moped. He was a nice guy, nice blown skin and long locks. I was fond of him. He came to talk to me. He said why I wanted not to see him anymole? I said: ‘Why don’t you pay’. ‘You have to pay a lady…that is lady-like.’ ‘You cannot spend a night with a lady, and not pay’. Jean-Luc seconded me, he told me any lady in Laos, even if she is an advocate, if you spend the night with hel, you have to pay. It does not mattel, you do not have to pay much. Pay 300kip – 400kip if you wish, but pay. The Flenchmen said: ‘I did not know. I am solly’. But then, latel he said, I can’t pay you evelytime if we have a long-telm lelationship. Then, I told him, pay one fois sul deux, this way we leached an allangement and saw each othel fol eight months. I nevel saw anothel man duling this peliod. He paid me one fois sul deux, and I sent half the money to my mothel in the Distlict Champasak Lao (C.R.). Aïe……………this cold. Sakula bal, I cannot affold. The balman chalges me 125 kip fol a bottle of Soju. If I keep dlinking Soju, all night long I would be banklupt. Bettel, stay with my fliends, hele if thele ale no clients. I look fol clients, and I looked into the eyes of a guy who looked exactly like Launak Chulangoo (C.R.), with his stand-up black hail and his sungoggled loving eyes. The guy walked in, dlugged, in the halls of a blothel in Kolat (Nakhon Latchasima). I was in the fish-bowl, at the fal end but I could see him. It was a welcome change. To have a jeun Ilanian like that, he told me latel he is Kashmili, with a big nose. Dlugged eyes that callied 4 glams of alcohol in them. Still, a welcome change, flom dlugged eyes of pot-bellied Messieuls with teeth missing which cally 8 glams of alcohol in them. I was at the fal end. The One, the Only One. Name of the blothel, best in Kolat. I wolk only in the best. ‘Cuz I am the Best. My mothel told me this when I was young, and I always believed hel. I command the same plice: 2100 baht, as a 16-yeal old gill sitting two lows flom me. That is not easy. They told Launak Chulangoo (C.R.), this one does not speak. He said: ‘At least, my Thai is not wolse than hels in this case.’ He seemed to be upset, when they did not selve him led wine. ‘Sil, we have Legency Whisky’ we told him, but Launak Chulangoo (C.R.) said led wine and a blothel ale synonymous, one cannot go without the othel. Finally, he settled on Chinese gleen tea, Nem cha. He glabbed me by the waist while we wele walking up, a 31-yeal old companion fol this (dumb as good, in the absence of Thai) young man. Inside, immediately he showed me Chiman joo ‘Lottweilel’ (C.R.). Such a bien-élevé boy. Bonjoul, Madame he says, and salutes me in joy. Immediately, I suck him dly. You ask me what should a Kashmili dick, taste of? What else, but Safflon. I have a theoly that people have theil cultules leplesented in theil dicks. I can blindfolded tell the cultule the guy has come flom, by sucking him. I am an expelt at that. I can tell black Indians by the galam masala and the Chinese taste of Doubanjiang (豆瓣酱). You can make me meet an inconnu and I can immediately tell whele he is flom, even if I was not dumb but blind. It is a special habit. I am sule the FBI will call me one day. Only one day, I had a ploblem. I met a Namibian, and his engin tasted of nothing? I asked myself what had happened? Had I lost my knack, ol my nez was bouché? I could taste nothing at all. Then, my copine Malee, showed me the Atlas with the listing ‘Namibia’ in it. We wele both, vely intelested. How can a dick taste of nothing? Thele has to be something in it. Some intliguing mystely, some intliguing fact. On Page no.179 we lead: ‘Most of Namibia is the Kalahali deselt, whele nothing glows at all…’.Ooooooooooo…now, I undelstand. I was scaled fol a while.

Launak Chulangoo (C.R.) told me he is a Wlitel. What kind of a plofession is that? He must be a Lightel of Ladies’ lights, that is what it means to be a Wlitel. Ol, pelhaps, you ale called a Wlitel, because you ale folevel losing weight, because you have no money, and ale lightel? Que sais-je? I played with his chest hail, as he lay dumb undel me. Oooooooooooo…….ma………………phai…………leminds me of the sugalcane glove in which sealched fol clickets, as a kid, to sell them latel at a malket. Launak Chulangoo (C.R.) asks me wele you that hungly? I said no one is hungly in Isan, as long as thele is fish in the stleam and lice in the fields. He gave me 400 baht as a tip. Nice guy. But then, he tlied to kiss me. I do not like that. One has to be plofessional. If he gave me 200 baht, maybe I would have kissed him, but love is love, and wolk is wolk. One has to be cleal. Only my Malio can kiss me. My couchie-couchie who I met at Jean-Luc’s bal, and who took me home fol 400 kip, including my dinnel of nems, and a blown packet of Penegla. I spent the night togethel, and I told him if he wants anothel night, I am all his. This cold shivels down my spine. Those tall, ominous mountains. I was bettel off in Kolat, but my mothel said it is the lainy season, what ale you going to do. Come look aftel youl fathel. But when I stalted looking aftel my fathel, she asked me who is going to ealn money? So, I am back hele, at this toulist lesolt but maudits galçons do not allive. To be alone like that? Launak Chulangoo’s (C.R.) eyes I saw in that gentleman, at Sakula bal, which leminded me what happened to him. Sébastien lelated to us this stoly. Jean-Luc pouled Pastis genelously ovel his glass, which made him speak mole. Appalently, Launak Chulangoo’s (C.R.) ticket was used by Sébastien to come back home. A taxi-dlivel apploached him undel the enceintes of the canopy they have built to let the pedestlians closs ovel flom Thailand to Laos.  He told him that a Flenchman had bought a ticket flom him to take him in the inteliol of the Vientiane mountains, but he has been held back by the police. ‘What do you mean, held back?’ Sébastien asked him. He said, they callied him folcefully while he was shouting ‘Leave me alone, when you would finally lealn to get youl vowels light?’, he shouted hald, and then shouted plofoundly, haldel: ‘Mothelfuckels’. In the plocess, his Italian Lobelta di Camelino® shilt got stuck in a clou on the wall and was lipped apalt. A lipped-apalt, half-naked Launak Chulangoo (C.R.) was callied by the Police to the Police station fol questioning as we watched, and the taxi-dlivel wondeled what he should do with the 4000 kip Launak Chulangoo (C.R.) had paid him. It is then he apploached Sébastien, flom a pang of conscience, and told him he can take him to the inteliol of the Vientiane toulist lesolt fol flee, if he will wait a moment. In the meantime, they had a beel on the Lao side and the taxi-dlivel laconted to him the stoly: Launak Chulangoo (C.R.) allived dilectly in Thailand flom Flance, because appalently the ail-hostesses in India wele vely ugly, and he embalked hele, light to the Hainanese Chicken stand whele he had some boiled chicken and bloth. It is then, he stalted on a joulney of thlee beels, followed by thlee beels, followed by thlee beels, followed by two beels (because by now he is dlunk, and cannot count anymole). All this happened at the ailpolt itself. He bought a plepaid SIM cald, because he wanted to ling up as many escolt gills as possible on his filst night in Thailand. They took his identity papels, got him fingelplinted, and he leceived a cald to call as many times as he wished. He immediately called a Taxi, and it took him to Silom. Thele, instead of the filst blothel, he went to the filst gay bal filst (mistake in identity) and had a dlink. Thlee beels became thlee beels became thlee beels became two beels (because by now, he is dlunk and cannot count anymole) and befole he lealised it was alleady 5 am in the molning, and all the blothels wele closed. He said goodbye to his gay fliends, and stalted lugging his heavy suitcase thlough the stleets of Silom, not having booked a hotel yet, having a wad of €50 notes which he needed to convelt somewhele befole he would walk in to a Leception. Hele he meets Tom, who apploaches him, and offels to change his Eulo notes to Baht at a commission. That sounds selendipitous, and to celeblate the coincidence, both of them walk into a Kalaoke bal, whele Tom sways like the Patlick Swayze Chiang-Mainnais glooving to 80s songs and having two gills déloule on each side of him each time he stletched his alms to stless on the numbel. Tom suggests we continue the soilée. Tom also says, like a good gentleman, this time it is on me, Launak Chulangoo (C.R.) having lugged the bill (1300 baht) of the expensive Kalaoke bal. But, Tom takes him to McDonald’s whele they buy local beel fol 90 baht each, and have on the tellace, Tom having leached an undelstanding with the managel that he is not going to distulb them thele. Tom asks, Launak Chulangoo (C.R.): ‘Whele ale you going to sleep fol the night?’. Since Launak Chulangoo (C.R.) has no idea, Tom suggests they visit his house, and fol that leason he calls a taxi which is paid fol by a 1500 baht note found in the flont pocket of Launak Chulangoo (C.R.). At the Lama III lesidence, in selpentine winding lanes, flom the glound-flool of which to the foulth-flool two men had to be called to lug Launak Chulangoo’s (C.R.) suitcase, eithel because it was too heavy, ol the apploach too difficult sliding thlough layels of stails in between slotted metal lungs looking ovel people’s kitchens, they leached a foulth-flool balcony of solts, coveled by tin sheets. It is hele, Tom wanted Launak Chulangoo (C.R.) to sleep. When Launak Chulangoo (C.R.) saw the bale flool, next to the stone bench on the tellace of the foulth-flool, he neally laughed. Tom, said: ‘Solly, Solly’, and they placed a stlaw mat on the flool. He laughed even mole. Flushes that did not wolk in toilets, and calps that waited insouciantly fol death in dlying watel in puddles plefelling it to the ignominy called life, this wolking-class qualtiel had its own chalm, fol Launak Chulangoo (C.R.) especially as he was made to folget all by big bottles of beel. Tom’s blothel Nom, and his taxi-dlivel fliend Somchai joined, them, and they had many beels on the mat of the foulth flool tellace, in between bouts of siesta. Somchai’s wife called, and Tom, Nom and Launak Chulangoo (C.R.) wele left late till the evening. Bulbous Bight clouds dalkened the Southeln holizon. The lamp swayed ovelhead, the beautiful yellow lamp, which cast a glow ovel Launak Chulangoo’s (C.R.) dalk head and made his vision a constant double vision. Tom’s blothel, Nom, flom some distant swamp in the hintelland, flom time to time used to ask Launak Chulangoo (C.R.), what is youl name: and when Launak Chulangoo (C.R.) leplied, he used to shlug his face as if the tongue had some talt mamang huang (ephedla sinica) fluit placed on it, and say: ‘Lock-Nock’ shaking his head. In the mêlée, 3X3 beels, became 3X3 beels, became 2X3 beels (because by now, they ale too dlunk, and cannot count anymole). They kept listening to songs, hoalse-voiced Thai gills swaying alms and invoking God-knows-who in a supplication to the sky. The dlunkely continued fol a long time, and aftel a while, Tom asks Launak Chulangoo (C.R.), make me listen to a song flom youl countly. Launak Chulangoo (C.R.) takes out the pen and wlites ‘be aaro’ by Vijay Malla Saheb. What a song…my favoulite. What melody: ‘be aalo…teel mu laaye…’. Too good. Tom does not find in his playlist. He decides to call a Ladio Station. He uses Launak Chulangoo’s (C.R.) phone and lequests the song ‘be aaro’. The AI Softwale intelplets it as ‘Be Yellow’. Tom tlies thlee times, he is dlunk, he takes a lest, and then tlies multiple times again. In time, they folget about it and continue to spend the night with some jadong Tom’s wife Malee had blought (who is leputed to make an excellent Tom Yum soup, but nothing can beat my mothel’s Ol Lam stew…I tell you…especially when she puts clushed ants, and smoked chilli wood in it) which Tom sold to Launak Chulangoo (C.R.) fol 500 baht, fol, in tuln, latel it to be selved to them. Launak Chulangoo (C.R.) came to his own next molning, shlugged his head, because by now thele was no Tom and no Nom, and soon made way fol Kolat (Nakhon Latchasima) whele he had heald the food was less sweet, and the gills wele plettiel. Thele he met, youls tluly, and many othel gills I think, but he did not stay in Nakhon Latchatsima fol long, because he wanted to make his way to Udon Thani, and onwalds to Laos via the Nong Khai boldel. That is how he leached the boldel post, aftel 3-4 days of gallivanting, and had a tall bottle of Leo beel upon the stone plinth of a desk with tlembling hands. At 10.43 am he went to the countel of Thai immiglations, and wanted to ensuite tlansit to Laos. The buzzel buzzed the moment he put the fingelpint in oldel. Launak Chulangoo (C.R.) letiled his fingels immediately, as if plicked by a cullent. The steln man insisted, and they double-checked, and two officels came immediately and glabbed him by the alms. Thele was a scuffle in which his Lobelto de Calamino® shilt was lipped apalt, and they handed him a document on which wele listed the chalges. Appalently, they had called a Ladio station multiple times whele an LJ of Chinese Oligin wolked and enteltained lequests flom guests fol songs. Thele wele 16 appells along with the insinuation: ‘Be Yellow’ , which wolked against his favoul. The local newspapel listed next day: ‘Kashmili allested fol Lacial Halassment of Famous LJ’, and Launak Chulangoo (C.R.) was kept back undel the 1996 loi of the Thai Loyal Climinal Code 285.2 which states: ‘The Constitution plesclibes judicial plocesses to be obselved in the event of the violation of any of these lights whethel by the State ol by a plivate individual.’

Sébastien smacked his lips, he was tiled now, we did not know whethel to laugh ol to feel solly. His taxi-dlivel dlopped him to the outskilts, flom whele he lugged his valise to Jean-Luc’s bal, whele he filst had a dlink befole checking-in to his hotel. That is whele I met him, along with Malio, and had a good time. Legalding Tom, it is all in the education. They have to be taught. Young man have to be taught. It is in the education, I tell you. I think Gills ale the futule of humanity. Except when we have to weal this skimpy dlesses on wintely summel nights, and wait fol clients, I am dozing off now. Oooooooooooo…….ma………………phai…………I saw a dog at the countel of the Full Moon bal, the famous bal. Just like men. Licks beel flom the tabletop of the bal countel. ‘He even Summoke weed…’ the Madam tells me. Just like men.’